Tritaurian Capital, an investment bank and brokerage firm, has launched BuyTheMets.com, which would offer equity in the Mets for $999 per share. I’m not sure this is what the Wilpons had in mind when they announced they were looking to sell a minority interest in the team thanks to the nuclear damage left by incarcerated Mets fan and former Wilpon buddy Bernie Madoff. They’d probably rather sell a majority share to Donald Trump or even Donald Duck than give up the ship to a bunch of whining, frustrated, know-it-all gasbags like me. But they created this mess so they’re going to have to answer to their fans — especially to the ones who are willing to part ways with their hard-earned dollars to rescue the team from further calamity and catastrophe.
Now, it might be tough for me to fork over $999 for a single share as I just plunked down a stack of Benjamins on a Topps ’53 Mantle. I love the ’53 Topps. And when it’s the Mick — well, maybe the best card ever.
Anyway, I digress. I’ll give this Buy the Mets idea some thought, but I do need a few questions answered before I would even consider coughing up money to own even a tiny piece of my dear Flushing Marauders.
1) Do I get a voice. I mean, if there are like 550,000 shareholders, what power do I wield? I would like to have some pull with management, even if it’s the opportunity to select new menu items at Shake Shack.
2) Can shareholders vote on player moves? Wouldn’t it be something if you had 87,000 fans vote Ollie Perez off the team? That would be very cool.
3) As a shareholder, could I hang out with Mr. Met? I hear chicks dig him. He could be a real babe magnet for me.
4) Do I have to assume any of the massive debt that the Wilpons have accumulated? I know, minor detail, but I thought I’d ask.
5) Do I have any exposure to this Madoff mess? I really don’t want Irving Picard calling me in the middle of the night looking for donations.
6) Do I have to pick up a piece of K-Rod’s $17.5 million vesting option in 2012 if, heaven forbid, he actually finishes 55 games — although there would be about 300,000 shareholders who would pelt Terry Collins car with empty cans of Four Loko if he ever let that happen.
7) If this thing doesn’t pan out, do I get my money back? Like, all of it. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me now?
I’m starting not to like the sound of my questions. I think I’ll just go blow $999 on a ’55 Bowman Mantle. Less trouble and I own it outright.